Music by R.E.M.: "Stand"

SPAM! I am checking my mail
(And I know)
Again it's taking ages due to all this SPAM to download

(This) SPAM seems to be in Chinese
(I can't read)
And it has attachments that I don't know how to decode

I'm getting MLMs and chain letters too
The sender is often a faked @ yahoo
Nowhere to complain, nowhere to escape
And when I delete it it soon gets replaced

(By) SPAM done in HTML
(Bloody trash)
With brightly coloured backgrounds and some sound file making me crash

(Or) SPAM with a number to call
(In the U.S.A.)
Moron, that ".de" means I'm a whole damn ocean away

It says I'll get rich without any doubt
It offers me stuff that I can't do without
It claims to be legal, which plainly is wrong
And it says that I'll die if I don't send it on

SPAM dressing up as mistake
(Of someone)
Revealing nasty secrets that she sent to somebody wrong

(Some) SPAM goes completely to waste
(Foreign tongue)
Portuguese or Gælic make it easy not to read on

But it sure looks exciting: there's plenty of !!!s
And in a few hours, I'll receive it again
So I'm updating filters an hour per day
But some will get through, so here's what I say:

(Up your ass)
The only known effect is that your filter entry will last

(Makes me laugh)
Yeah some of it is funny but you know, enough is enough

(Cause) SPAM isn't just being dumb
(It's unfair)
It's like a pound of daily junk mail with its sender faked and postage unpaid

(So) SPAM newbies at AOL
(Or Hotmail)
A couple might believe you, and the rest won't get in your way

(Yes) SPAM is the pest of the Net
(Don't forget)
SPAM is the pest of the Net
(Don't forget)
Nowhere to complain, nowhere to escape
(SPAM is the pest of the Net)
And when I delete it it soon gets replaced
(SPAM is the pest of the Net)

Written on June 11, 2000. I realize this is pretty hard to sing, and almost impossible when you're alone. But in my humble opinion it's worth the effort – I had tremendous fun trying to get it right, and recommend that everyone give it a couple of minutes. The original lyrics might help if you don't remember the song too well, which is why I uploaded them as a plain text file despite the copyright issues, so hush! :-) And in case that you wonder about how to pronounce the "plenty of !!!s", all I'll tell you is that the answer's in the Hacker's Jargon File, or alternatively available via e-mail to help keep the SPAM to signal ratio of my inbox down...

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Last edited: December 11, 2003